It's quite tough talking about things like triggers, in fact, stuff like this in general. It's close to home. Even worse watching it back, recognising the missing bits of information you felt ought to be included. Feeling like you're distracted / not focused. Seeing that sometimes you weren't listening, but instead trying to hold on to the thought you "want to make sure you say". And then forgetting anyway 😅😅
Recorded and edited this 5 days ago, and it's taken me as long to figure out how I wanted to post it, as I processed my sort of fear/worry of sharing it.
I think the gist is, I am still growing, learning and dealing with "things", and sharing that is scary, which makes me ever more self-analytical, with already established issues surrounding the old post button - this one, upon watching it back, has stirred me a little differently it seems
It might seem a bit dramatic, it's a video and I've already done a few. I'm not even exactly sure why I felt so off with this one... if my resilience were wobbled by some external factor, then it could've happened with any video, at any time..
The perfectionist in me says it's just that, that it's not perfect and that I just had a bad day. Re-do the video (already did that) and plan a bit better. Don't over think it, sometimes things take more attempts to get right...but the point is, it's a conversation in a moment in time with a story and it marks a line in the sand again for me. I could've re-done it a handful or more times until I was happy, posted it without the story and be done with it, but that didn't feel right or good for me (or fair on Dad, bless him haha!)
I also felt like my feelings prohibiting sharing a video that might effect someone positively, was largely selfish, especially given i'm only 50% of the conversation.
One thing is for sure, there will definitely be a re-visit of this subject, 1. because it is a huge topic but 2. because i'm sharing this, the nature of that conversation will be easier for me, fully aware I've already shared this one. The second doesn't exist without the first, so there you go.